Psalm 34:4
It’s been awhile… time has gone by fast but also slow at the same time because of the mental and emotional battle that has been waging on me for too long. But I am emerging from the stalemate that I’ve been in.
It seems that not long after I released the video on Facebook of telling everyone about the ministry God’s laid on my heart, things started to turn. I started doubted, and questioning what I was doing. If it was the right thing… These thoughts along with some things between my husband and I, and my heart towards him as my head and supporter through this ministry, soured myself. Thoughts were bombarding me and I was letting them win. Bitterness, anger, resentment and hurt were over taking and I didn’t have the will to fight it off this time even though I knew there were lies and the enemy was whispering. So eventually it took over. I had no fire, passion, motivation, energy or desire anymore. I felt physically weak and lazy. Depression was arising again. Not all the time but enough. I didn’t tell anyone though, because I didn’t want to claim it. I didn’t want depression to be a thing in my life again. It hadn’t been for the last 3 ½ years since I gave my life to Christ. I know better. I was believing that it’s just life. We have moments when things are hard and overwhelming and we have emotions and are supposed to feel grief, sadness, etc. There’s a time to weep and a time to be happy. But this was different. It was accompanied by dark thoughts of worthlessness and death. This calling on my life was too heavy to bare. I didn’t want to do it. I couldn’t do it. They were the exact opposite of what I was feeling just months prior, with fire-y passion and confidence that I was doing what I should be and what I was called to do. I had such strong faith in God and his power before, that I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me, that I was invincible (in a sense) to do whatever it was that God called me to do. Suddenly though, I was lost, confused, and unsure of what I should do… what was I doing? One thing I knew for sure was that I could NOT cut myself off completely from everything and everyone spiritual even though I wanted to. I knew that that would be just what the enemy would want and I’d think worse of myself because I’d be letting everyone down and making a fool of myself by running and hiding. I made sure that I kept my commitment to our church and serving with the kids, serving with the women’s leadership, and attending a weekly bible study group. Most of me didn’t think anything would happen, even though a small part did think that God would hopefully do a work, because he is faithful and he knows me and what is going on in my heart and mind. I needed him to even though I didn’t feel like the things I was going through were big deals. Other people have more problems… bigger problems… more important things to feel despair about… mine are small compared to the world’s problems. But you know what? God is so big, so powerful, so loving, so faithful, so GOOD, that he cares about even the little worries we have. He knows the weight of this world and the weight the enemy can put on us even if it’s a blanket of lies and not reality. He was faithful to do a work in me. He gave me a group of amazing women who are so in touch with the heart and spirit of God, to be there and support me, even if they didn’t know the full extent to which I was quietly suffering in my own thoughts and lies of the enemy. God spoke to them and through them. He spoke through the material we were studying. He gave me breakthrough from my hardened heart towards my husband and close the gap between us. He’s slowly been working in my heart on the other things and speaking through others to let me know he is there, he is listening and he is answering me. He’s shown me that even if I screwed things up, and made the wrong choices, his promises are still true, he is still faithful; he still loves me, is going to bless me and help me to continue on this journey. He’s still going to use me. My ministry has not ended and even though it’s shifting a little bit, it’s still going to be doing its intended purposes. I’m getting my fire back and the joy in him to continue on. One thing he’s constantly been telling me is slow down… wait for him. Let him lead. This is a marathon not a sprint even if I feel like there isn’t much time. There is enough because it’s all in his perfect sovereign plan and timing. Thank you Jesus! Thank you Father for being soooooooooooooooo GOOD! I am not looking ahead to the future. I am just looking at today, because today has its own worries. But I am excited for the growth and journey. Yes, I did go through some depression, but it wasn’t enough to go back on meds. It was a season that has made me stronger, even though I should have reached out more to get support from others, my prayer team and my husband. Things are better today than they have been in a while. Now that summer is over and my son is back to school, I can focus more in depth on ministry again. I pray that God shows you more and more of his love for you, his faithfulness, his presence and heart. I pray he gives you his eyes to see yourself and others the way he does. I pray for any of you who may be struggling with things, especially silently, I pray for chains to be broken, truth and light to come in to expose the lies and darkness, to break you free from anything the enemy may have you bound up in. I pray in the name of Jesus for strongholds to be broken, healing to come in and blessings, joy, peace and love to surround you! Thank you Father! Praise be to you, the sovereign Lord over all the universe, and our King Jesus Christ!
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AuthorWELCOME! Hi, I'm Brittany. Archives
June 2020
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